well, i am sad again...

so, here i am again, after two long months of not being able to update my blog.

i return, as usual, with the feeling of loneliness.

this is not new to me anymore.

so what is making me sad?

hmmm...

a lot actually...

of course, related with love.

----

i am starting to feel the loneliness and sadness of being alone.

i have many friends.

at school, in our block, i can talk to anybody of my classmates.

it is just that, when i turn and look at their direction, they're already snug and comfy in someone's arms.

of course, i would not bother them.

i do not know why? it seems like cupid struck almost all of my classmates. there are like 3 pairs in our class. and like, 5 more of my classmates have their own pairs outside the class.

even some of my closest friends ended up together.

so, i just leave them alone.

like, who am i to bother, right?

i enjoy being with my friends.

i look for them always.

but as for them, having their own half now, i cannot blame them if they look for them, and not me.

so, i am not anymore surprised to find myself alone and lonely.

one of my closest friends is always with this guy. well, they are not together, but they are "exclusively dating" according to them. there are times when i enjoy being with them. but there are times that i just cannot avoid being envious.

now that i am typing, my cousin is just at the other room, with her boyfriend. they have known each other for like 4 years already.

my seatmate who became a close friend of mine ended up being with the girl at the back of his seat. of course, i am happy for them. who would not i be? then another friend of mine just announced to me recently that the girl he likes already answered her. they are a pair now. i am happy for them. really...

another of my closest friends ended up being with her another close friend. they are really close. so i was really happy for them. but whenever i see them, they are so happy hugging and kissing one another, it would just so immature of me to just spoil their moment.

and my other cousin, well, i do not really find him with his girlfriend always. well, maybe because of the conflict in the schedule. but the care they have for one another, they are just so lucky to have one another. the way they support one another. their messages that i "accidently" (promise) read. so sweet.

i cannot blame them if they look for their other half first.

if i have my own, i would do the same thing, too.

no doubt.

it is just that, i do not have my other half.

i am alone and lonely...

:'c

Why?

Why is it that everywhere I look, I see couples?

Holding hands.

Giving each other sweet kisses.

Hugging.

I try not to get jealous or envious,

I really do try,

but I just cannot help the feeling.

Being in my situation, oh, it is really hard to find your own partner.

And I think I am already ready to be in a serious relationship.

But it just won't happen.

I really try to be happy for all the couples I see,

I really do.

But the feeling of envy just overpowers the feeling of happiness.

I really hate it.

I am starting to hate the way I hate this situation.

I am starting to hate the way I hate things.

I should not be like this at all.

I am not even like this before.

But I just could not change it yet.

I just had to release all of these tension inside me first,

and maybe, I might stop being the hater I became now, which I should never ever be.


Signing off
xoxo

not much...

just depressed again...

:'c

i need to get used to it already...

Dear YOU,

awkward...

do you feel it, too?

do you feel awkward, too?

well, for sure, i do.

i started to feel this towards you eversince i felt everything for you...

i am pretty sure you do feel awkward, too.

it is kinda obvious.

just the air between us when we are near,

the tension in it,

sucks every bit of my energy.

i do not know if it has the same effect on you.

anyhow,

i just do not know how to deal with this anymore.

i just cannot avoid you all my life.

but i just cannot get near you.

eitherway, we just both get awkward.

i do not know what to do anymore.

i cannot be like this forever.

i have so much questions in my mind,

so many that troubles me,

my mind,

my heart,

my soul.

it is eating me up inside.

i already need answers.

but i do not also know how to achieve that.

it will just get more awkward if i even attempt.

i am afraid of what might happen.

i already struggle now.

if i try to attempt, what will just happen?

more struggles?

get more awkward?

God, no!

i cannot anymore.

what if i just let go?

will it be easier?

for me?

and also for you?

i think so.

especially for you.

but i cannot.

just cannot.

what keeps me holding on so tight?

i do not know.

if i just knew.


xoxo