well, i am sad again...

so, here i am again, after two long months of not being able to update my blog.

i return, as usual, with the feeling of loneliness.

this is not new to me anymore.

so what is making me sad?

hmmm...

a lot actually...

of course, related with love.

----

i am starting to feel the loneliness and sadness of being alone.

i have many friends.

at school, in our block, i can talk to anybody of my classmates.

it is just that, when i turn and look at their direction, they're already snug and comfy in someone's arms.

of course, i would not bother them.

i do not know why? it seems like cupid struck almost all of my classmates. there are like 3 pairs in our class. and like, 5 more of my classmates have their own pairs outside the class.

even some of my closest friends ended up together.

so, i just leave them alone.

like, who am i to bother, right?

i enjoy being with my friends.

i look for them always.

but as for them, having their own half now, i cannot blame them if they look for them, and not me.

so, i am not anymore surprised to find myself alone and lonely.

one of my closest friends is always with this guy. well, they are not together, but they are "exclusively dating" according to them. there are times when i enjoy being with them. but there are times that i just cannot avoid being envious.

now that i am typing, my cousin is just at the other room, with her boyfriend. they have known each other for like 4 years already.

my seatmate who became a close friend of mine ended up being with the girl at the back of his seat. of course, i am happy for them. who would not i be? then another friend of mine just announced to me recently that the girl he likes already answered her. they are a pair now. i am happy for them. really...

another of my closest friends ended up being with her another close friend. they are really close. so i was really happy for them. but whenever i see them, they are so happy hugging and kissing one another, it would just so immature of me to just spoil their moment.

and my other cousin, well, i do not really find him with his girlfriend always. well, maybe because of the conflict in the schedule. but the care they have for one another, they are just so lucky to have one another. the way they support one another. their messages that i "accidently" (promise) read. so sweet.

i cannot blame them if they look for their other half first.

if i have my own, i would do the same thing, too.

no doubt.

it is just that, i do not have my other half.

i am alone and lonely...

:'c

Why?

Why is it that everywhere I look, I see couples?

Holding hands.

Giving each other sweet kisses.

Hugging.

I try not to get jealous or envious,

I really do try,

but I just cannot help the feeling.

Being in my situation, oh, it is really hard to find your own partner.

And I think I am already ready to be in a serious relationship.

But it just won't happen.

I really try to be happy for all the couples I see,

I really do.

But the feeling of envy just overpowers the feeling of happiness.

I really hate it.

I am starting to hate the way I hate this situation.

I am starting to hate the way I hate things.

I should not be like this at all.

I am not even like this before.

But I just could not change it yet.

I just had to release all of these tension inside me first,

and maybe, I might stop being the hater I became now, which I should never ever be.


Signing off
xoxo

not much...

just depressed again...

:'c

i need to get used to it already...

Dear YOU,

awkward...

do you feel it, too?

do you feel awkward, too?

well, for sure, i do.

i started to feel this towards you eversince i felt everything for you...

i am pretty sure you do feel awkward, too.

it is kinda obvious.

just the air between us when we are near,

the tension in it,

sucks every bit of my energy.

i do not know if it has the same effect on you.

anyhow,

i just do not know how to deal with this anymore.

i just cannot avoid you all my life.

but i just cannot get near you.

eitherway, we just both get awkward.

i do not know what to do anymore.

i cannot be like this forever.

i have so much questions in my mind,

so many that troubles me,

my mind,

my heart,

my soul.

it is eating me up inside.

i already need answers.

but i do not also know how to achieve that.

it will just get more awkward if i even attempt.

i am afraid of what might happen.

i already struggle now.

if i try to attempt, what will just happen?

more struggles?

get more awkward?

God, no!

i cannot anymore.

what if i just let go?

will it be easier?

for me?

and also for you?

i think so.

especially for you.

but i cannot.

just cannot.

what keeps me holding on so tight?

i do not know.

if i just knew.


xoxo

Confidence is so sexy...

I am just taking a breather from my studies. (I do not even know if I studied that well. I have not retained anything that I studied actually.)

Anyway, while taking my rest, the Miss Universe pageant just popped into my mind. I do not even know why. And then, I remembered Ms. USA, Chrystle Stewart. I think she is very beautiful. She might not look the same as the others in the Top10, but that what makes her different - she looks different. She pops out among the Top10.

So, she had this misfortune during the Evening Gown portion of the pageant. Uhm, I think she stepped on the trail of her bejeweled gown and she slipped, her behind first to the floor. But she was able to regain herself, and she stood proudly , continued her walk and even clapped for herself. What a very nice recovery. It is not that easy for sure to recover from a very unexpected fall especially when the whole world is watching it, and especially if you are in a pageant. Why, people expect you to be graceful and poised even if you are in very high stilettos all day. Plus the pressure of representing your country. C'mon! That is hard.

Anyway, back to Ms. USA. Unfortunately, she did not make it to the Top5. But still, I find her very stunning.

I found a video of the Evening Gown portion in YouTube. And please, if you are going to watch the video, at least watch the video in entirety, not only Ms. Chrystle Stewart's part of the video.



So, falling down just does not happen during pageants. It also happens in, my ever oh-so favorite, fashion shows.

Yes, fashion shows.

It happens a lot in fashion shows.

Do you see the high heels the contestants in pageants wear?

Those are nothing with what models wear. Models wear 5-inch stilettos, sometimes very high platforms, plus long, heavy gowns on slippery runways with very fast music to walk to.

Just the same, models are expected to be graceful and poised on the runways, but sometimes, trips and falls are just inevitable.

Nobody wanted to fall like that anyway.

So, I also found a video of models falling down the runway,

but please, let us not laugh after watching the video.

What they are doing is not at all easy. They are human beings, too. They are allowed to make mistakes. And that is a part of their job.

Plus, I really salute them, both pageant contenders and models. Coz right after their fall, they still stand with their head held up high and proud of themselves.

And that confidence of theirs is just so sexy. Would you not agree?

And if ever we fall like them, maybe not in pageants or fashion shows, just any possible falls we might experience, let us remember that it also happens to other people, too, not just us. And just think of the graceful and proud recoveries of Ms. USA and of the models mentioned above, or other people you know who had the same fall before.

If they can recover, well, so can we.

Signing off

xoxo

tumbler issue exaggerated

So, it was like already 50 minutes past midnight when I remembered I have not washed my face yet. Part of my daily regimen. Not that I usually forget to wash my face. I was just doing a lot of things recently.

So, I just finished washing my face. In effect, I am still wide awake up to now. So, I decided to drop by here for a while.

I would just share that I saw someone's buttcrack just this night. It was not a pleasant sight. Like duh?! I would not anymore reveal the person's relation to me. But eventhough how dear the person to me is, the buttcrack moment was, errr...

I cannot even describe that moment...

Anyway, as of the exaggerated tumbler issue.

I have this two tumblers.

Two different kinds.

Just so you know, tumblers are really important for me, because I carry water all the time. I need a really sturdy, and useful water carrier to bring all the time.

So, my first tumbler was made of plastic, light blue and transparent. Nothing really fancy about it. It is just that. A light blue, plastic, transparent tumbler. You also have to twist the cover first to drink water from it. But take note, it does not leak. And that is uber important for me! Coz I bring many things with me always, and, sometimes, I just do not have any choice but to put my tumbler inside my bug. And if that tumbler leaks, well, just imagine what would happen to my bag and things.

As for my other tumbler. Just bought it last week. Well, this one is not transparent. It also has this hole on top wherein you drink straight from it. So, you have the choice to drink from the hole or twist the cover and then drink. I can also have the choice to change the designs of the tumbler. Very fancy. But, it does leak. What a pity. The tumbler should always stay upright. Coz if it lies down or tumbles over, all of the water would just spill, errr, well, not really spill, but would slowly leak out of the tumbler. Obviously cannot put that in my bag. So, if ever I have to bring the tumbler somewhere, I just have to make sure that I am not bringing too many bags nor things just to have a free hand and hold the tumbler always. Can be a hassle at times. But since I have placed a Burberry ad campaign (below) as the design of the tumbler, and it looks good at that, holding it always can be fun. Haha!

Got the ad campaign at http://www.supermodels.nl

Having said all of that, I am actually having fun using both tumblers.

But I would like to know your comments and preference on what tumbler you would use.

A tumbler that looks plain but does not leak?

Or a tumbler which can look fancy but does leak (but the leak is preventable) ?

Just thought of this from out of nowhere. Haha!

Signing off

xoxo

Dear YOU,

Well, it is the weekend now...

I am still tired to study...

Then, I got stressed with my messenger...

So, I decided to just leave that alone for now, deal with it later, and take a break...


I was taking breaths to relax and relieve myself from the stress,

and then, I thought about you...

You just popped into my mind...

And now, I cannot remove and stop thinking of you...


Well, as I was pondering, I remembered we were passing by one another this week...

Uhm, just passing by one another...

Purely passing by...

No hi's,

no hello's,

even goodbye's, none...

Especially yesterday,

we passed by one another,

3 times

during the whole day...

The first, before the 2nd period...

The second, during lunch...

The last, next period after lunch...


That is just how things go between us...

Can I blame you?

No. Never.

Can I blame myself?

Uhm, yah...

I think it is my fault anyway...

I am the one who does not talk you...

I bend my head when I pass by you...


I just hope things would change between the two of us...

But I guess it is up to me to change things...


I hope next week will be different for the two of us...

No more awkwardness and shyness...



Signing off
xoxo

Troubleshooting again...

Grrr....

Now, my messenger is troubleshooting...

Last night, it was my laptop...

But that was totally fixed now...

And now,

my messenger!

Grrr...

Stressed!

Tired!

Headache!



Signing off

My Laptop Just Troubleshooted...

omg!

OMG!

Like, my heart just popped right out of my chest when my laptop troubleshooted.

coz I was checking my blog,

but

instead of bringing me to my blog,

it brought me to a page that said that there was an error loading the page.

Then, I tried again.

But

it brought me to another blog.

Then, when I tried to close the window,

it did not close that fast.

It eventually had this "(Not Responding)" sign on the side.

I literally stopped breathing at that moment.

At least, my blog is alright now.

I can open it now without any errors and troubleshootings.

Woooh!

I do not want that to happen again...


Signing off
xoxo

Advice From My Friend...

Last thoughts,

before I formally end my day.

I remembered an advice sent to me by my friend.

I almost kind of forgot it already.

Fortunately, I saved it in my phone.

Here is what she said:

"Oh, and if you think you are ready for a relationship, go for it. Take a leap of faith. Be scared -- that's normal. But let your trust for the other person be greater than your fears. :)"

I love her advice. But I never really came around to following it.

Still need help with that part.


Signing off
xoxo

Crammer...

So, here I am again, typing all my thoughts, worries and emotions away.

So, as I said with my previous blog, I wasted time last night. Last night could have been the right time to study and do my assignments and project.

But what did I do? Surfed the net, all night.

Then, I just realized it was already late to study, so all I can do is just sleep.

Now, all the things that I need to do, that I could I have done last night, are all dumped in front of me, none done.

I have a reflection paper to do. I have articles to read in a magazine. I have a project still to finish, which involves a personal review of the works of an author. I have a long quiz to study. too.

And all of this should be done today. The assignments and project are due tomorrow. The quizzes are for tomorrow, too.

I am totally hperventilating right now.

I am already panicking.

But it is totally my fault.

I have been in this lifestyle for a long time now.

But I have also planned on changing this lifestyle for a long time also.

But I just never really got around it.

It is totally all my fault.

I am a crammer!

And I do not want to be like this anymore.

This has got to change.


Signing off
xoxo

Grrr...

Another wasted night...

No productivity at all...

Not even one assignment...

Did not finish anything...

Expect cramming tomorrow...

Good luck...

Signing off
xoxo

Dear YOU,

You know what,

I have always been rehearsing whenever I have time the things I want to talk to you about.

I have practiced how to start the conversation.

I have already anticipated your answers, too.

But when it is time to execute all my plans, I just suddenly back out.

I do not know why.

Oh, I just do not know.

I hope I know why.

I have always wanted to talk to you.

Come on, you are like the most amiable person. You are close friends with everybody.

Well, except for me.

Or I think it was my fault why we are not close, why we do not hang out.

I always avoid you. I try not to go your way.

Why?

I also do not know.

Here I am saying that I have always wanted to talk to you, and hang out with you.

And then now, I am saying I avoid you.

I cannot even understand myself anymore.

You make me nervous. You make me tremble. I cannot even say a simple "How are you?", wherein people just blurt that out on you.

People would just hit you jokingly, and tease you.

And you are such a good sport. You just laugh with them.

I have always wanted to laugh with you. Of course, I would not hit or tease you just to laugh with you.

I have always wanted to have a descent, continuous conversation with you, with no distractions.

It is just that you are too friendly, you always have your friends with you all the time.

I am starting to sound selfish now, I know.

That is why I just let you be with them.

You will probably have more fun with them compared to being me anyway- what with all the nervousness, and trembling and stuttering. I also lose my train of thoughts when I look at you.

Oh, when I look you, I always see an angelic face with a smile and an aura which can launch my thousand ships,

which takes my breath away,

which brings a gush of blood right to my face.

xoxo

How come good looking guys been coming my way since yesterday?

Not that I am complaining about it.

It was actually fun. Seeing a cute guy pass by, and then another cute guy, and then another.

Can be a stress reliever at times. Haha.

It was just a bit weird for me because this has never happened to me before.

Well, cute guys pass, but not as much as yesterday and today.

Sometimes even none. Those were the boring days. Haha.

The cute guys just been really coming my way yesterday and today unexpected.

I saw "him" 3 times yesterday. Now, talk about that. That was totally unexpected and unplanned. My friend was so jealous. She was the one who really liked him.

Then, I saw "the other him" on my way home. Fortunately, we were headed for the same direction.

Unfortunately, I saw those two when I was all tired and looked haggard. But I think they did not see at all, so that was okay.

And they do not even know me anyway.


As for today, I saw "another him". But he was far away when I saw him. But still good looking nonetheless.

And, I also saw "some other him". In fairness, he greeted me for a change. Just a simple hi. It looked forced though. Haha. We never greeted each other before. He only greets my friends. We are not close anyway. We do not even hang out.


Of course, I saw "the only him" yesterday and today. It is totally inevitable. We see each other everyday. Well, he is good looking, but my friends would hesitate to agree with me, then they would agree anyway. It is just that compared to the other guys, well, the good looking-ness of the other guys are more visible.

But eventhough how good looking the others were, it is still "the only him" who is really good looking for me.

Eventhough how much the other guys greet me, , it is the greeting of , "the only him" if ever he greets me, who has the most impact on me.

It is only "the only him" who I like the best. Eventhough some people find it weird.

I DO NOT CARE...

Signing off
xoxo

I was already awake for around 2 hours...

So, it is a brand new day again.

More adventures (I think) to come my way.

I woke up early today to study.

But again, I am not in the mood, so I decided to just blog again. Haha.

My class is still later in the afternoon. So, I hope I can make the most of my time in the morning. I have been experiencing wasted moments because of distraction and unenthusiasm when it comes to my studies. And I want to change that from now on. I want to regain my enthusiasm and perserverance with my studies when I was young. I do not really know why and how it disappeared. I just found myself eventually disliking and feeling displeasure when I start studying, which I think should not be, because I do value my education, eventhough I kinda act and react to it like this now.

but I'm gonna change that.

I need to.

I want to.

It's only me who's gonna benefit from it.

So, I'll resume my studying again now. I wasted last night. And now, I woke up early just to study. I should still be sleeping now. Well, it's my own fault anyway.

Try to update later. Wish me luck for my quiz. And for my whole week, as well.


Signing off
xoxo

end of the day...

Well, here I am again.

Blogging my last blog for the day.

I am actually new to this whole blogging thing. I still do not even know what to write. I am praying that I can be able to maintain my blog. I know people who have been blogging for four years now, and I want to reach that record. Haha.

Anyway, here I am blogging, wherein I have not studied any of my lessons and quizzes for tomorrow. I am all stressed out now. I have a project due also this week. Reflection paper, too. I cannot even study and do anything because of the stress. So, I ended up landing here in front my laptop blogging my thoughts away. I am actually on the phone, too. Talking with my friend. Multi-tasking! Haha.

All I can do now is to just breathe deeply. Try to remove all the stressors away. Maybe sleep through the night. And hope to wake up refreshed and prepared and enthusiastic to study early in the morning.

With that being said, I have to say goodbye and good night for now. I'll try to sign in again tomorrow.

Signing off
xoxo

P.S. Wish me luck. Haha.

As for who am I?

Well, I can be the:
>hunky, gorgeous boy in your PE class who you have been spotting since the first day; or

>ms. congeniality, ever perky girl classmate who always bring a smile to your face; or>gay bestfriend who is still in the closet: or

>lesbian seatmate who has been liking you for a while but does not have the guts to admit feelings to you; or

>ever so haggard co-employee of yours in your infamous law firm; or>sophiscated next-door doctor who you always watch passing by your house in his car; or

>fashionista professor who portrays conservativity with clothes you never thought professors can own; or

>most sought redhead/blond/brunette/black-haired european/american/asian/african/australian/brazilian high-fashion model who graces the catwalks of high profile designers of this season and future seasons to come.

One thing is for sure. I want to keep myself anonymous in my blog. I want to be able to say and write everything without the burden of thinking what people might think of me.

Why trench coat?

trench coat -n. a belted, double-breasted raincoat with epaulets...

Besides my fascination with trench coats (Ironically, I do not even own one.), well, a trench coat basically shields you from the rain, or from the chilling wind, or from anything.

And I feel that I have shielded my life from the world, from all of its wonders. There is still so many things to do, discoveries to behold, experiences to, well, experience. Haha.

As of now, I am planning to release myself from the so-called "trench coat" that has been protecting me for years, gradually, maybe one button at a time, to unfold the mysteries of the world that awaits me.

I am not saying that I am all innocent and pure. But, still, there is so much in the world that meets the eyes.

And I want to document the progress in my life in here - my blog. ^_^