Monday, July 21, 2008
Why?
Holding hands.
Giving each other sweet kisses.
Hugging.
I try not to get jealous or envious,
I really do try,
but I just cannot help the feeling.
Being in my situation, oh, it is really hard to find your own partner.
And I think I am already ready to be in a serious relationship.
But it just won't happen.
I really try to be happy for all the couples I see,
I really do.
But the feeling of envy just overpowers the feeling of happiness.
I really hate it.
I am starting to hate the way I hate this situation.
I am starting to hate the way I hate things.
I should not be like this at all.
I am not even like this before.
But I just could not change it yet.
I just had to release all of these tension inside me first,
and maybe, I might stop being the hater I became now, which I should never ever be.
Signing off
xoxo
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dear YOU,
do you feel it, too?
do you feel awkward, too?
well, for sure, i do.
i started to feel this towards you eversince i felt everything for you...
i am pretty sure you do feel awkward, too.
it is kinda obvious.
just the air between us when we are near,
the tension in it,
sucks every bit of my energy.
i do not know if it has the same effect on you.
anyhow,
i just do not know how to deal with this anymore.
i just cannot avoid you all my life.
but i just cannot get near you.
eitherway, we just both get awkward.
i do not know what to do anymore.
i cannot be like this forever.
i have so much questions in my mind,
so many that troubles me,
my mind,
my heart,
my soul.
it is eating me up inside.
i already need answers.
but i do not also know how to achieve that.
it will just get more awkward if i even attempt.
i am afraid of what might happen.
i already struggle now.
if i try to attempt, what will just happen?
more struggles?
get more awkward?
God, no!
i cannot anymore.
what if i just let go?
will it be easier?
for me?
and also for you?
i think so.
especially for you.
but i cannot.
just cannot.
what keeps me holding on so tight?
i do not know.
if i just knew.
xoxo
Monday, July 14, 2008
Confidence is so sexy...
Anyway, while taking my rest, the Miss Universe pageant just popped into my mind. I do not even know why. And then, I remembered Ms. USA, Chrystle Stewart. I think she is very beautiful. She might not look the same as the others in the Top10, but that what makes her different - she looks different. She pops out among the Top10.
So, she had this misfortune during the Evening Gown portion of the pageant. Uhm, I think she stepped on the trail of her bejeweled gown and she slipped, her behind first to the floor. But she was able to regain herself, and she stood proudly , continued her walk and even clapped for herself. What a very nice recovery. It is not that easy for sure to recover from a very unexpected fall especially when the whole world is watching it, and especially if you are in a pageant. Why, people expect you to be graceful and poised even if you are in very high stilettos all day. Plus the pressure of representing your country. C'mon! That is hard.
Anyway, back to Ms. USA. Unfortunately, she did not make it to the Top5. But still, I find her very stunning.
I found a video of the Evening Gown portion in YouTube. And please, if you are going to watch the video, at least watch the video in entirety, not only Ms. Chrystle Stewart's part of the video.
So, falling down just does not happen during pageants. It also happens in, my ever oh-so favorite, fashion shows.
Yes, fashion shows.
It happens a lot in fashion shows.
Do you see the high heels the contestants in pageants wear?
Those are nothing with what models wear. Models wear 5-inch stilettos, sometimes very high platforms, plus long, heavy gowns on slippery runways with very fast music to walk to.
Just the same, models are expected to be graceful and poised on the runways, but sometimes, trips and falls are just inevitable.
Nobody wanted to fall like that anyway.
So, I also found a video of models falling down the runway,
tumbler issue exaggerated
Got the ad campaign at http://www.supermodels.nl
Having said all of that, I am actually having fun using both tumblers.
But I would like to know your comments and preference on what tumbler you would use.
A tumbler that looks plain but does not leak?
Or a tumbler which can look fancy but does leak (but the leak is preventable) ?
Just thought of this from out of nowhere. Haha!
Signing off
xoxo
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Dear YOU,
I am still tired to study...
Then, I got stressed with my messenger...
So, I decided to just leave that alone for now, deal with it later, and take a break...
I was taking breaths to relax and relieve myself from the stress,
and then, I thought about you...
You just popped into my mind...
And now, I cannot remove and stop thinking of you...
Well, as I was pondering, I remembered we were passing by one another this week...
Uhm, just passing by one another...
Purely passing by...
No hi's,
no hello's,
even goodbye's, none...
Especially yesterday,
we passed by one another,
3 times
during the whole day...
The first, before the 2nd period...
The second, during lunch...
The last, next period after lunch...
That is just how things go between us...
Can I blame you?
No. Never.
Can I blame myself?
Uhm, yah...
I think it is my fault anyway...
I am the one who does not talk you...
I bend my head when I pass by you...
I just hope things would change between the two of us...
But I guess it is up to me to change things...
I hope next week will be different for the two of us...
No more awkwardness and shyness...
Signing off
xoxo
Troubleshooting again...
Now, my messenger is troubleshooting...
Last night, it was my laptop...
But that was totally fixed now...
And now,
my messenger!
Grrr...
Stressed!
Tired!
Headache!
Signing off
Friday, July 11, 2008
My Laptop Just Troubleshooted...
OMG!
Like, my heart just popped right out of my chest when my laptop troubleshooted.
coz I was checking my blog,
but
instead of bringing me to my blog,
it brought me to a page that said that there was an error loading the page.
Then, I tried again.
But
it brought me to another blog.
Then, when I tried to close the window,
it did not close that fast.
It eventually had this "(Not Responding)" sign on the side.
I literally stopped breathing at that moment.
At least, my blog is alright now.
I can open it now without any errors and troubleshootings.
Woooh!
I do not want that to happen again...
Signing off
xoxo
Advice From My Friend...
before I formally end my day.
I remembered an advice sent to me by my friend.
I almost kind of forgot it already.
Fortunately, I saved it in my phone.
Here is what she said:
"Oh, and if you think you are ready for a relationship, go for it. Take a leap of faith. Be scared -- that's normal. But let your trust for the other person be greater than your fears. :)"
I love her advice. But I never really came around to following it.
Still need help with that part.
Signing off
xoxo
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Crammer...
So, as I said with my previous blog, I wasted time last night. Last night could have been the right time to study and do my assignments and project.
But what did I do? Surfed the net, all night.
Then, I just realized it was already late to study, so all I can do is just sleep.
Now, all the things that I need to do, that I could I have done last night, are all dumped in front of me, none done.
I have a reflection paper to do. I have articles to read in a magazine. I have a project still to finish, which involves a personal review of the works of an author. I have a long quiz to study. too.
And all of this should be done today. The assignments and project are due tomorrow. The quizzes are for tomorrow, too.
I am totally hperventilating right now.
I am already panicking.
But it is totally my fault.
I have been in this lifestyle for a long time now.
But I have also planned on changing this lifestyle for a long time also.
But I just never really got around it.
It is totally all my fault.
I am a crammer!
And I do not want to be like this anymore.
This has got to change.
Signing off
xoxo
Grrr...
No productivity at all...
Not even one assignment...
Did not finish anything...
Expect cramming tomorrow...
Good luck...
Signing off
xoxo
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Dear YOU,
I have always been rehearsing whenever I have time the things I want to talk to you about.
I have practiced how to start the conversation.
I have already anticipated your answers, too.
But when it is time to execute all my plans, I just suddenly back out.
I do not know why.
Oh, I just do not know.
I hope I know why.
I have always wanted to talk to you.
Come on, you are like the most amiable person. You are close friends with everybody.
Well, except for me.
Or I think it was my fault why we are not close, why we do not hang out.
I always avoid you. I try not to go your way.
Why?
I also do not know.
Here I am saying that I have always wanted to talk to you, and hang out with you.
And then now, I am saying I avoid you.
I cannot even understand myself anymore.
You make me nervous. You make me tremble. I cannot even say a simple "How are you?", wherein people just blurt that out on you.
People would just hit you jokingly, and tease you.
And you are such a good sport. You just laugh with them.
I have always wanted to laugh with you. Of course, I would not hit or tease you just to laugh with you.
I have always wanted to have a descent, continuous conversation with you, with no distractions.
It is just that you are too friendly, you always have your friends with you all the time.
I am starting to sound selfish now, I know.
That is why I just let you be with them.
You will probably have more fun with them compared to being me anyway- what with all the nervousness, and trembling and stuttering. I also lose my train of thoughts when I look at you.
Oh, when I look you, I always see an angelic face with a smile and an aura which can launch my thousand ships,
which takes my breath away,
which brings a gush of blood right to my face.
xoxo
How come good looking guys been coming my way since yesterday?
It was actually fun. Seeing a cute guy pass by, and then another cute guy, and then another.
Can be a stress reliever at times. Haha.
It was just a bit weird for me because this has never happened to me before.
Well, cute guys pass, but not as much as yesterday and today.
Sometimes even none. Those were the boring days. Haha.
The cute guys just been really coming my way yesterday and today unexpected.
I saw "him"
Then, I saw "the other him"
Unfortunately, I saw those two when I was all tired and looked haggard. But I think they did not see at all, so that was okay.
And they do not even know me anyway.
As for today, I saw "another him"
And, I also saw "some other him"
Of course, I saw "the only him"
But eventhough how good looking the others were, it is still "the only him"
Eventhough how much the other guys greet me,
It is only "the only him"
I DO NOT CARE...
Signing off
xoxo
I was already awake for around 2 hours...
So, it is a brand new day again.
More adventures (I think) to come my way.
I woke up early today to study.
But again, I am not in the mood, so I decided to just blog again. Haha.
My class is still later in the afternoon. So, I hope I can make the most of my time in the morning. I have been experiencing wasted moments because of distraction and unenthusiasm when it comes to my studies. And I want to change that from now on. I want to regain my enthusiasm and perserverance with my studies when I was young. I do not really know why and how it disappeared. I just found myself eventually disliking and feeling displeasure when I start studying, which I think should not be, because I do value my education, eventhough I kinda act and react to it like this now.
but I'm gonna change that.
I need to.
I want to.
It's only me who's gonna benefit from it.
So, I'll resume my studying again now. I wasted last night. And now, I woke up early just to study. I should still be sleeping now. Well, it's my own fault anyway.
Try to update later. Wish me luck for my quiz. And for my whole week, as well.
Signing off
xoxo
Monday, July 7, 2008
end of the day...
Blogging my last blog for the day.
I am actually new to this whole blogging thing. I still do not even know what to write. I am praying that I can be able to maintain my blog. I know people who have been blogging for four years now, and I want to reach that record. Haha.
Anyway, here I am blogging, wherein I have not studied any of my lessons and quizzes for tomorrow. I am all stressed out now. I have a project due also this week. Reflection paper, too. I cannot even study and do anything because of the stress. So, I ended up landing here in front my laptop blogging my thoughts away. I am actually on the phone, too. Talking with my friend. Multi-tasking! Haha.
All I can do now is to just breathe deeply. Try to remove all the stressors away. Maybe sleep through the night. And hope to wake up refreshed and prepared and enthusiastic to study early in the morning.
With that being said, I have to say goodbye and good night for now. I'll try to sign in again tomorrow.
Signing off
xoxo
P.S. Wish me luck. Haha.
As for who am I?
>hunky, gorgeous boy in your PE class who you have been spotting since the first day; or
>ms. congeniality, ever perky girl classmate who always bring a smile to your face; or>gay bestfriend who is still in the closet: or
>lesbian seatmate who has been liking you for a while but does not have the guts to admit feelings to you; or
>ever so haggard co-employee of yours in your infamous law firm; or>sophiscated next-door doctor who you always watch passing by your house in his car; or
>fashionista professor who portrays conservativity with clothes you never thought professors can own; or
>most sought redhead/blond/brunette/black-haired european/american/asian/african/australian/brazilian high-fashion model who graces the catwalks of high profile designers of this season and future seasons to come.
One thing is for sure. I want to keep myself anonymous in my blog. I want to be able to say and write everything without the burden of thinking what people might think of me.